Just stop for a second and smile

We had fast and testimony meeting yesterday and it was just wonderful. I was too scared to go up, even though I sit on the front row every time, I'm a wuss. Anyway, I loved it because this month(s) have been hard and it's not that any one really bad thing has happened it's just alot of little things going wrong right after another, in this seemingly endless stream of just really bad luck or something. I told Braden that I think I know why people turn their backs on the church or on God- and it's not necessarily that they are mad or angry. I just think that your spirit can become broken. Like you become apathetic, you are past anger. You are past discouragement or bitterness. You just don't care. Like learned helplessness. I don't think I have sinned greatly, I mean I make mistakes every day and I have to ask for forgiveness everyday. I know that there is always more to do but I felt so blah, I would go through the motions but my heart wasn't in it. I don't think I had the faith that reading my scriptures, praying would actually help me or do any good. It felt like I was in a wave pool, as soon as I reached the surface and felt like I'm free and I can breath, another wave comes crashing down on you. And soon you just don't have the strength and you begin to drown. I felt like I was spiritually drowning. It didn't matter what we did, and watching Braden just work so hard and try and try day after day, it was watching him that really got me too. But I felt horrible saying that I think I understand why people just give up. That's what I felt like doing because it almost felt like the harder we tried the worse things became. I felt punished or something. Since Saturday I've been blessed and comforted and I know now that it will be okay. The Lord isn't punishing us. He loves us. I just needed to be more humble. The moment I asked the Lord What more can I do? Is there more? Can you help us please?? Not giving up but giving "in". Giving in to Him and allowing Him to help me. . . He was there. On Sunday everyone that got up talked about trials! And so many more people got up then I've ever seen in this ward. The majority of them talked about trials and getting through them. One girl told us her husband has cancer, others lost family members or their home and they were so wise and strong in their testimonies! And other things have just been working out a little better- I've won 3 gift cards this week already- tender mercy? I think so!  The Lord knows who we each want to become, and only He knows how to make that happen. I already feel through our challenges our marriage has become much stronger, our testimonies have grown, and we are focused on more eternal things. So, it's all good. "This too shall pass."